*alternately titled: The post where I reference a 15+ year old Christian song, highlighting both my age and my failure to evolve with some types of music.
Back in the mid 90’s, Caedmon’s Call was an independent band making it onto the “Christian” market. One of their most popular beginning songs was a track titled “Bus Driver,” sounding like a fun, slightly goofy song to new believers like me (and it didn’t help that I was in junior high). As I became older, I began to understand the words of the song better. It was about a day in the life of a bus driver, spending his days speculating about the importance of the riders on his route and thinking about his own path. (Very broad explanation, I know.) Below are the lyrics:
I am a bus driver
and it’s four in the morning
And I’m pressing out my clothes beside my bed
Fourteen years been on the job and with many miles behind
Still I’m up at three thirty to make sure I’m there on time
My car gets me along just fine to and from the station
But my castle is this Houston Metro Bus
My first stop is Ashbury.
And the sign’s been gone for years
but all the same the people wait cause they know that I’ll be there.
What would you say if I told you that I won’t be by today?
Would you say that I’m just a bus driver
and what do I know,
just a bus driver
and what do I know,
just a bus driver
and what do I know?
Well, I’m always there by five fifteen
and lately I’ve been early
’cause Judith likes to be in early to the bank.
And she gives me conversation and a token good for riding.
And she’s happy all alone
And then there’s Charles in retail sales;
and I hope they pay him well
for the work that young man does
Cause I’ve never seen the inside
of a custom refrigerator
but I know he’s the first and last one there
I wonder what they do all day,
and their respective works.
Suppose they give money and take money away.
Still, I’m just orbiting this town
with the post office my sun.
And I’m circling again.
And I wonder how this world would be
if I was never here to drive this bus around from Ashbury to Main.
Suppose this town would be the same
but with one bus’ less exhaust.
But that bank and retail stores,
they just wouldn’t be the same.
But what can I see from the limited confines of my bus driving seat
Today, I thought about that song. My heart is constantly pulled in two different directions. Am I alone? I don’t know. I want a simple, loving life in my home. I don’t want all the self-importance and accolades that lead to pride. When I operate in the quiet, I feel a peace that I know is right. On the other hand, I want those things I try to avoid. I want to be known and popular, well-loved and followed. I see people who are doing it and I feel simultaneous disgust and envy.
I’m just a bus driver, in theory. I am a wife and mother that spends my days doing the exact same thing: wake, feed, clean, wake, feed, clean, etc. I write on a couple little blogs that a few people read. I socialize on the computer with my friends. My importance is limited to a few people. There are many who would not consider me twice. I understand that.
I am not pouting over my existence. I know God loves me. I know that I ultimately want to take care of “the least of these” and I am trying to be a better person, day by day. Still, I sometimes get the twinge and ache of wanting to be something more. I suspect it’s pride. I’m not sure.
I wish I could just keep my head down and be content with what I have, because ultimately, I am content. Maybe I should remove those that give me those twinges from my mind, but I think that learning to overcome them instead of removing them will build character.
I’m just a bus driver, what do I know?