Questions about dreams: Just Write

The air is still tonight. I fix my eyes on the branches overlooking the water, trying to anticipate the movement, but I can see nothing. The barest ripple is there, but it is elusive and fleeting.

Stillness.

At least something on this earth is still tonight. My heart is not. Can not. Will not. I don’t know why I can’t seem to be content today, but I can’t. It’s a day where the small voices tell me “not enough.”

Not good enough. Not talented enough. Not patient enough.

Just not enough.

There are days I long for the days of childhood, when I was simply unaware of what the world held. I could be anything. I could do anything. I had promise. Talent.  People spent their time telling you all that you could be when you grow up, but those days no longer exist.  It’s now time to invest in the next generation.  My moment has passed.

I don’t regret doing the things I do now. Not at all. In fact, I feel as thought I am fulfilling a deep-seated need placed in me from long ago.  I love being a mom. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. And there will surely come a time when I will look back and say simply, “It was just the twos speaking to you.”  You were just exhausted from raising a child who was pushing the boundaries. It’s what she was supposed to do. It’s normal.

It is normal. I know.

Yet there are days when you feel as though you don’t know what you are doing. No matter how much love you have in your heart, you’re flying by the seat of your pants and you are simply hoping you won’t give her too many therapy bills in the future.  You just want to be able to put her to bed and let her fall asleep on her own and not have to fight a nightly battle that leave you both exhausted.

And somewhere along the line, you have to ask youself, “What about my dreams? Did I leave them on the wayside? Do I even have dreams now? Am I crazy for writing in a blog that few people read and some treat with casual disdain?” Or do you continue on because it’s something that you have in your heart to do and you simply LOVE it. Is that a dream? Do our dreams change with time? Or maybe our dreams evolve?

How do we take our own dreams in our hand while we try to raise our children to follow their own?

Our dreams are unique to who we are, I’m told. No one can have my dream, because no one has the unique characteristics that make me who I am. Now, I just need to figure out what my unique characteristics are.

Perhaps this is the late night rambling of a mother who has just had a long and weird day, or maybe I’m not alone and there are other mothers out there searching for answers in the warm moonlight. Perhaps we are all searching.

Until I know, I will just write.

 

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14 thoughts on “Questions about dreams: Just Write

  1. Sarah Halstead

    Ohhh! I love this. Beautifully written!

  2. Ashley

    You and I were in such a similar place last night. So glad to have found you through Just Write. I love that line: “It was just the twos speaking to you.” Yes, yes, I have been here, too. Keep on keeping on with your mama-ing and your writing. Sending blessings.

    1. April McGrew

      Thank you! It’s tricky, isn’t it? Those small moments where you evaluate everything. Not out of selfishness or frustration, but just because you have to look back and reflect. I think if we never do that, we do ourselves a big disservice. 🙂 Thanks for reading!

  3. Ami

    I question myself often as a mother. And as a wife. And as a grown-up. I have reached a point where I have a little more peace than I did when the kids were babies and toddlers. I’m not sure if I’ve reached that point because I’m more mature, because my children are more mature, or because we all get more sleep.
    Just keep on dreaming and writing. I like what you have to say.

    1. April McGrew

      Thank you so much! I love knowing that peace comes with the waiting. It’s something to hang onto on the nights when it’s just a little rougher than you want it to be. Thank you again for reading. It means so much!

  4. KathleenBasi

    For me, it’s the threes that speak, but I know what you mean. This is the meaning of parenthood–self-sacrifice–and it teaches a lot, but it doesn’t make it easy.

    1. April McGrew

      You’re right. Self-sacrifice is what it’s about. It’s realizing that the world is no longer just yours — it’s yours to share. I don’t think it’s bad to reflect back and question. “This too shall pass” is hard to think about every time you have a rough time, but it’s important to remember. Thanks for reading!

  5. alexandra

    I am so grateful for having the platform to write. This is where I sort all the chatter in my mind. This is where I go to clarify and declare who I am, what is of value to me.

    Whether it was a notebook, or a website, or a paper bag and a crayon: it tells me who I am.

    Just write, we will always just write.

    1. April McGrew

      I love that and its so true. It always comes down to the fact that even if another soul never read a word I wrote, I will just write. You have the most beautiful words. I am so glad I get to just write alongside you!

  6. Gianna

    You know what? My dream was to have 4 children. I didn’t really ever want anything else. However, sometimes i feel awful because I am living my dream and kind of hating it at the moment. And it wasn’t what I expected. Sometimes dreams can surprise you that way. But I AM grateful for it and I get to have so many adventures that I otherwise would not!

    1. April McGrew

      I think it’s okay for our realities to be different from our dreams — and I think it’s okay for our dreams to be hated at moments. I don’t know what I would be doing besides this – because this is what I’ve always wanted to do. I think it’s the fact that having a child seems to narrow your scope – that’s what I struggle with. It’s the fact that life isn’t as “wide-open” as it was and that’s a hard thing to wrap my brain around. I love that you are living your dream and I am so glad I got to talk with you!

  7. Julia Hembree

    Yes, yes yes to all of this. Especially the part about what about my dreams and what about this little blog I have. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in the day to day of toddler care and I often find myself pondering what you have talked about here. Didn’t I used to be someone? Couldn’t I still be someone? Or has my identity been reduced to being my son’s mother? Is my role of being his mom the biggest role of my life?
    I don’t know. Sometimes I feel buried under the daily tasks of motherhood and sometimes I feel like it is exactly the role I was meant to play.
    Thank you so much for sharing this. I love reading your heart. 🙂

    1. April McGrew

      Exactly. Maybe we are supposed to feel this way? I mean, one keeps us rooted in the love of being a mother, and one keeps us constantly remembering we are still a person separate from motherhood. I think we all feel this to some degree, but it’s hard when you look around the blogosphere and see so many mothers who seem to have it all figured out! I doubt the desires of my heart!

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