Living my dream.

Red Dirt Mama

Yesterday I went to the supermarket.

Yesterday I loaded up my children and walked into a store where I bought groceries.

Yesterday I bought groceries to take to my home to eat. I bought more than what was on my list and I took it home.

And I realized I was living my dream.

When I was a little girl, we were poor. We didn’t have money for anything other than necessities and if it hadn’t have been for my grandmother, we would never have had new clothes or school supplies. I visited friends’ homes, where their mothers baked cookies and made you feel welcome. They had clean houses and pillows with sunflower embroidery. They made you feel like sunshine on a late September day. They laughed with their kids and their biggest worries were teenage attitudes and normal family stuff. Their kids screwed up and they forgave them. They had that luxury.

My house had it’s own wonderful things, but it was also filled with tension. Nicotine. Narcotics. The burden of responsibility. Wondering if I was going to get to be a teenager or an adult. I am an expert on knowing when a person has had too much to drink or too many pills taken. I know what certain substances smell like. I learned how to stand up for myself because my parents weren’t going to go the school in my stead. Ever. I didn’t know what it was like to have crazy involved parents and I longed to live in the lives of my dearest friends.

Somewhere along the way my biggest dream was to break the cycle. I wanted to be “that mom”. I wanted to bake cookies and keep house. I wanted to stay home and raise my children while I could. I wanted to be some version of middle class. I even wanted to be slightly rounded and soft because it seemed all the best moms were. (Boy. I got that wish.)

It hit me as I was getting my son out of my SUV, in my mom jeans, that I was living exactly what I always wanted to live. I’m not cool. I’m not thin. I’m not particularly fashionable. But I’ve made it. I’ve hit my big time.

I’m living in a home that is loving and stable. My biggest worries are minimal. I am raising my children. My degree is being best used by interpreting children’s stories and trying to break down the Bible to a 3 year old. I surf through cookbooks and Dr. Google and try to figure out how to not kill all my plants.

My life is exactly what I saw all those years ago.

I feel that the chains have been lifted. I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. My life will seem “not enough” to some and “too much” to others and I get that. I’ve spent so many years trying to either justify my decision or force myself into something else because I felt like it was expected of me. I battled between guilt and fear because I felt it was my job to live my life at the approval of others, and I was trapped by that burden. It’s lifting.

I get to love God and love others, right where I am. I am living my dream.

I hope you get your dream.

Do you think that a dream can be something so simple? Or do you feel a dream must be something greater? 

More about April

3 thoughts on “Living my dream.

  1. Kayla Koenig

    I love this. I’ve always struggled with “my dream”, but I just realized, it’s kind of similar to yours. I never wanted to be Suzie homemaker housewife (and totally DON’T see you that way) but I too want to break the cycle. I want to love God and love people wherever and however he wants me to.

    I have so much freedom right now, and I want to embrace it and take advantage of it. I’m still struggling to conquer my own demons. I’m a work in progress but I’d like to think that (most of the time) I’m on the right path. It’s too early in the morning to be profound. Love you!

  2. Crystal Hall

    I love this post. And I am so happy for you. I can relate on some level. God is good!!

  3. Jenni Hardy Singletary

    oh.my.goodness. this is SO wonderful. It is as if you’ve climbed into my heart and written what you see there. So much of this is so relatable to me. My mom was really sick with a brain tumor for most of my adolescence and I became an “adult” at 15. So, your words strike me so deeply. I feel like I have moments exactly as you have described- and never realized others may have some of those same feelings. It might happen any time- any where- any day. I realize how much my dreams have come true and how much I have now. And I just feel flooded with thankfulness. And I agree with you so much about the struggle with not feeling judged for having too much or too little and overcoming the need to meet everyone’s expectations of what I should have or do- even if I’ve just made them up in my head. So well written. Thank you.

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