I’m wearing my grandma’s clothes. True story.

I’m hot.

Seriously. I’m sweaty and gross and yes, I’ve even had a shower. Do you ever have one of those days that starts out kind of fun but then gets really crazy and you just want to throw the day away and start all over?

That was and is today.

The morning started off considerably well. I went to my hometown to meet one of my best friends for a morning walk. It was nice to have the company! We had planned to meet at 9, but we didn’t actually get off on the walk until nearly 9:45. This was thanks to a child who wouldn’t go to bed until 11 pm last night (does she ever stop talking?!) and didn’t want to wake up this morning (surprise, surprise). Then I had promised her donuts for breakfast. I thought that it would surely be a win-win situation. Cheap donuts, no prep work for breakfast, and we’d be out of the house on a reasonable time. I grabbed a milk and some donut holes for her and a bear claw for me and down the road I went.

It was the donut from hell.

First of all, it was incredibly messy and the donut shop thought it would be hilarious to not give me any napkins. Also, has anyone else ever thought about how strange a bear claw looks? Mine looked more like a little fat foot and I felt like a cannibal, biting it toe-by-toe. Immediately, I began to feel the shear amount of sugar washing over me like a wave. As I quickly scarfed it down (how do you put something like that back in the bag?) I started to feel sick to my stomach. By the time I got to the next town, I couldn’t decide if it would be better to curl up in the fetal position and die or just throw up.

I mustered the strength to keep going and I met my friend to walk. As we were setting off, my daughter spilled milk all over herself. Thank goodness I had brought another outfit! One middle-of-the-yard strip down and we were off. FINALLY.

We clocked in a respectable 4 miles, in 90 degrees, a bazillion percent humidity, and minimal wind. It was so pleasant. (Where’s that sarcasm font when I need it?) By the time we got back, I was drenched in sweat and decided to take a quick shower at my grandparents’ house. The only problem was that I didn’t have a change of clothes for me, just the kids. I remembered the milk-soaked outfit of my daughter’s and I thought to myself, “I’ll just wash all of our clothes! I can borrow some shorts and a t-shirt from my grandma and I’ll be back in my own stuff in an hour.”

I started the wash and hopped in the shower. 5 minutes later I felt marginally better, at least a little less gross. I sat down to feed my son and I realized that the washing machine was not only squeaking loudly …but I also smelled burning. Burning rubber. What the heck?! I am blowing up my grandma’s house! I ran into the laundry room and I saw smoke rising from the washer! I called my grandma and apologized profusely for blowing up her washing machine.

So, here I am, wearing my grandma’s clothes and feeling incredibly gross. I tried to get to my parents’ house — their washer is fine, but their sewer is on the fritz. The baby fell asleep and as soon as he wakes up, I will smuggle my 30 year old self in my senior citizen’s outfit and I will head home as privately as I can.

Getting groceries this afternoon should be exciting.

With my current luck, I’m afraid of getting pulled over. I better check my car for any lights out or anything that is easily targeted. As long as I don’t have to get out of my car! This is a small town, I’m pretty sure my pastor would know about it by dinner.

Are you sure Friday the 13th was last week?

You just don’t feel sexy until you’re in a 74 year old woman’s clothes.

More about April