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Where I’m at. A sad mama’s tale.

The truth is, I’m not entirely sure I’m going to post this. This is going to be raw and uncut, and simply written out because I need to see the words. I need to see what I feel.

All I know is that I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m angry.

I’m feeling emotions that I feel guilty for feeling.

Could this be postpartum depression? I’m not sure. It’s hard to tell the difference sometimes between being a tired mom and a depressed one. I hear the words, “You just need a break,” and I understand where they are coming from. I do feel like I need a little distance sometimes. My sweet boy is a lovely little thing, but he wants only his mama every moment of every day. We are closing in on one year of constant closeness, and some days I just want him to explore around the house long enough for me to do a few things.

I’ve forgotten about the long, lonely season of parenting a baby. I miss having a little time for myself.

I’ve seen this article floating around Facebook lately… about the loneliness. The feelings of anger when you see other women being connected and having a great time. I’ve felt the anger. I feel the anger daily. Judging by the several shares I’ve seen of the same post, I know I’m not alone in this boat.

I see these women who are doing these amazing things, who are loved and cherished, who are being used by the Lord in amazing ways and I think to myself, “What am I doing wrong? How do all these women seem to have so much together and I can’t even sit down for a few minutes each day to compile a blog post? I don’t even get to use the bathroom alone, much less get to do anything that makes me feel productive!”  I feel so guilty for feeling such resentment over something I should be rejoicing over — women in the same stage of life as me being used for God’s glory! Why can’t I just be happy for them?

I’ve begun walking around my neighborhood in the mornings, and it’s been the best thing I’ve done for myself. Some days I don’t want to stop walking. The sunshine and the exercise helps me to not be sad or angry. I even get more done around the house. The best part is, I actually enjoy my kids on those days.

It makes me tear up to even write that sentence. What kind of mom doesn’t enjoy her kids?

I love my babies. I love them so much. It’s just hard because I just want a little time to get stuff done every once in a while. I want to be myself again.

So this is my confession. I’m in a hard season right now and it’s so hard to talk about it because no one really confesses it out loud. We share blog posts and say, “this resonates with me,” but we never come out and say exactly where we struggle. Well this is where I struggle. I struggle with the fact that no one really wants to watch my son and I’m burned out. I struggle with being tired. I struggle with feeling like all I do is work on projects that never complete. I struggle with being sad, jealous, and angry. I’m lonely. I’m scared to get out there. The more I’m home, the harder it is to get out there.

But it’s going to get better.

I’m going to get better.

I’m going to continue to exercise and eat foods that make me feel good instead of bad. I’m going to confess this out loud and be transparent about where I am in my life. I will NOT pretend I have it all together. I have good days and I have absolute train wrecks. This is the truth.

Do you want to be my friend? I promise you, you don’t have to look good. You don’t even have to wear clean clothes. You can come see me as I am and I will love you where you are. We may not be eating cheesecake, but we can soak up sunshine and drink coffee and I will tell you that my children are the funniest, cutest, most frustrating little bundles of joy. I won’t judge you if your baby’s diaper sags to the ground because my son has oatmeal in his hair and my daughter insists on wearing Halloween socks and clips every hair clip she owns in her hair.

This is me. I’m looking for you. We can be train wrecks together.

(And thanks for listening to me and laying out all my crazy.)

Comments on this entry are closed.

  • nmhutchison June 11, 2014, 4:35 pm

    It is an honor and a privilege to be your fellow train wreck. Believe me, I’m right here with you. There are days and then THERE. ARE. DAYS. I admire your willingness and authenticity to be so transparent. You’re an amazing woman, wife, mother, and friend. I am blessed to know you. 🙂

    • April McGrew June 14, 2014, 7:54 am

      Thank you so much Nicole. I wish we weren’t so far away now!

  • Sarah Beth Johnson June 11, 2014, 11:26 pm

    April I would love to come hang out with Austin and give you bits of time, you just let me know. And I would love to come visit with YOU!! Call me.

  • Mari Farthing June 12, 2014, 7:26 am

    The thing about being alone is that you’re so not alone. I read this and wanted to track you down and bring you a latte and a hug. Maybe some cupcakes because who doesn’t like cupcakes? Also a bottle of wine. Just to be prepared.
    You may have forgotten about the “lonely season of parenting a baby” but that’s only because it doesn’t last forever—it does pass. And yes, it might be followed by other difficult times but you also know it’s punctuated by so many moments of joy. You need someone? I’m here for you. For real.

  • Tamara Lehmann June 12, 2014, 9:16 am

    After having my daughter, I seriously struggled with exactly what you’ve written. (I’ve actually written my own feelings on it too) To be honest, there are some days that I still do feel that way (3 years later). Finding that balance between being what you think is a good mom and what is actually a good mom while still maintaining a sense of self-identity is incredibly hard and for me, a struggle. Even when people would tell me I just need a break, the guilt of not being the one to care for a child I chose to bring into the world that is my responsibility would be too great and more often than not, I’d have to walk outside and just cry it out. I just had to release something so I didn’t crumble into a pile of sadness & self-hate. And then adding social media to the aspect where everyone proclaims their life is amazing and rainbows and unicorn farts, it’s exhausting trying to keep up.
    You’re not alone. I’ve been/I’m on the same damn train.

    • April McGrew June 14, 2014, 7:57 am

      So much this. YES! “Unicorn farts” made me laugh out loud. It’s true, social media does such a good job of painting a picture that may or may not be true and it’s so hard to sort the illusion from reality. Thank you.

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