This is my confession: sometimes I wrap up the physical things in my life and attribute them to the work of the Lord. If something goes right, it’s all God. If it crashes and burns, it’s God’s fault too. Lately I’ve been wanting for an amazing, mind-blowing thing to happen in me and my family’s life. I was hoping for something BIG. Something that would blow me away, ease major stresses, and make my life a whole lot easier in the midst of a crazy time.
It wasn’t just 100% for me. In fact, it was something for someone I love very much. My husband. I had decided that he needed X — whatever thing I thought he needed to be shown to let him know his value. After talking about it with family and too many people, I built this idea up to the level that it MUST be. I decided it. Not God.
Today I found out that it falls short of what I had envisioned. Way short. And I’m angry. After the tears had dried I could only think one permeating thought:
God, this is not what I thought you would do. I thought you were capable of huge things. Huge things I desperately wanted to see in MY life. Right now.
It’s so easy, isn’t it? It’s so easy to see others out of the corners of our eyes that seem to have it just a little better, that seem a little more “blessed” with life. Whether or not that’s accurate (and it’s not), it’s what we feel in those moments. Our envy gets the better of us.
Is God less capable of huge things? OF COURSE NOT! In fact, the things He’s capable of is so much bigger and so much more important than what I was hoping for. God is a healer, a redeemer, a deliverer, a rescuer, and God is much more interested in the refining of my character and my heart than the material “blessings” I feel I deserve.
The truth is, I don’t deserve any of the things I’m whining over. The things that truly matter in my life? I have them and they are priceless.
While I’m still struggling with my anger over the situation, I know that perhaps I can be of better use on the path I am currently on. Even if it’s not as easy. The road less traveled is hard, and it’s narrow.
We will be okay. We will be more than okay, because we have seen God’s faithfulness in much, much more trying times. I shouldn’t blame God. It’s not accurate and it’s simply me lashing out at who I love most.
Today I’m thankful for His forgiveness. Even when I’m being a brat.