I’ve been thinking a lot about life and the type of person I want to be. I’ve spent many years trying in earnest to please everyone around me. I do this for many reasons. Sometimes it’s out of love or respect, but also because I feel as though I just want them to like me. When I was a child, I tried so hard to be perfect. I thought that if I was perfect, then I could escape being the scapegoat at home. I thought I would receive all the praise and people would think I was wonderful. Old habits die hard, I guess, and this perpetual need to please still carries with me today.
I’ve spent many years feeling like I would never measure up. I would never be enough. Not perfect enough. Not pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, good enough, spiritual enough, worldly enough, clean enough, thin enough, fit enough, organized enough…
Enough. That word swings in my heart and mind like a pendulum, either in abundance or in dire need.
I’m at a time in my life where I am fighting hard to break my chains of codependency on this desire to be enough. The God-honest truth is I AM enough. I am enough because I am a follower of Christ, and He is more than enough. You are enough. Exactly where you are. Not 20 pounds from from now. Not after you get your act together. Right now.
By doing all this pleasing, I have displeased myself. It comes down to this: I want to be a follower of Christ. I want to read the Bible and follow it as the guideline for my life. I want to use it as the benchmark for my soul. This is the first and foremost thing I want to do. Then, I want to be the best wife and mother I can be. After that, I want to love people with all my heart, soul, and mind.
I have experienced great pain and injury from the church. I bear those scars. I know what it’s like to grow up feeling like I was never enough. I’ve reached the crossroads in my life where I can no longer look at evangelical culture with the same doe eyed love, but I also still love being a follower with all my heart. I’m still working out where I lie in my religious affiliation, but I want to search for a peace and a love everlasting. I believe I have found it.
I was called to the ministry in July 1997. I knew I was called to it the moment I became a believer. It was a real change. I’ve been struggling with my calling lately — feeling a longing to be an influence, but not knowing where to start.
I think here is where I start. I know nothing beyond that. I don’t know where this life will take me, and I don’t know if my influence will ever extend far beyond the walls of my own home, but I’m going to follow God’s calling for me to be faithful to my life.
This is my new beginning.
It’s time to prioritize my pleasing. Starting today. I hope you’ll stay with me through this journey. I’m not sure how this is going to take shape, but I am going to pray and seek the best way to go. I’d love for you to be a part.
You’ll probably be seeing some blog changes. Some superficial, some content. Truth is, I’m changing. I’m trying to be the person I am called to be. I’ll make mistakes, but as long as I’m moving in a forward motion, then I’m headed in the right direction.
I’d love some encouragement along the way, and thank you to you who already encourage me so much.
With all my love,