In case you don’t already know this about me or you’re a new reader, I want to share a little something with you. I battle with depression. I always have. I wrote a series of posts about it a few years ago that still rings true, and here they are below if you are interested in the back story:
I just reread the posts myself, and I don’t think there’s a single word I need to change to make it relevant to where I am right this moment.
The problem is, after struggling with this for such a long time, I feel like I shouldn’t bring it up anymore. That somehow I should just get over it and move on to the next thing, but perhaps this is what it is means to have a “cross to bear.” Perhaps I’m not meant to let it go, and this is the thing that I will struggle with my entire life. I feel like I have no right to complain about my life or my struggles. There are people who express themselves far better than I can, and people who struggle far more than I do. I simply hate my very existence periodically. It’s within me alone.
Aside from Jesus, I don’t think there’s a character in the Bible that I love more than David. I know everyone has their favorites, and he is mine. I think because I relate to him more than anyone else, and I feel like we get to know him so well. I also feel like he is the most like me. He’s a writer, a poet, a musician, and a sensitive soul. He’s forgiving, but he gets greedy. He works hard to cover his flaws, and yet he is loved by God.
He fights waves of melancholy.
He remembers God’s goodness and calls to Him.
He screws up time after time.
He asks forgiveness.
He was a man after God’s own heart and was used in a great way, despite his shortcomings.
I’ve been praying a lot lately, asking God to let me see myself the way He sees me. The truth is, I don’t. Often I wonder why I’m on this earth. I feel like I’m just empty population. My aunt Mary reminded me yesterday, “God doesn’t make mistakes,” and I tear up every time I recall those words. I’m on this earth for a reason. I am not a mistake.
I am not a mistake.
Like David and so many people of the Bible I also reach out to temporary things that won’t satisfy. I think that a “like” or a “comment” will fill the void that tells me that I’m not enough, and when nothing or little arrives I’m left thinking that it would be better if I wasn’t here at all. Logic tells me that’s not true, but my feelings disagree.
This is where I am right now. I’m sorting through what’s Truth and what’s an illusion. Hopefully I can share some of my findings along the way.
I just want to tell you, dear friend, that if you’re feeling this way too — you’re not alone. You are loved. You are not a mistake. You are wonderfully made. You have a friend in me. We are more than the sum of our emotions.
If you are not currently in this struggle, please take a minute to say a prayer for those who are. Take a minute to be kind to those you encounter today. You never know what’s going on inside a person, ever. Things may seem happy and superficial on the outside, but there may be real struggles underneath. If someone you meet is angry “for no reason”, think about the fact that they are probably deeply hurting.
This world is hard enough.