Questions I have when I’m doubting myself.

I tried to edit this three times before I gave up.

I was asking myself that question this morning as I was working on some watercolor pieces for a friend. The question isn’t about the paint I’m currently watching dry, but about parenthood and life in general. Do you ever just wonder if you’re getting it all wrong?  I know that I’m trying my absolute best, but most Sundays I ask that question. 

I’ve been going through years of deconstruction and reconstruction of my faith. Those who have done the same know what I’m talking about. Some of my friends have went the moral route. They no longer teach the evangelical notions that we have all grown up with, but instead have focused on teaching love and grace and goodness without the formal framework we were taught was the only way to live. Some of my friends still cling to the evangelical church. Both sides are just doing what they think is best. 

I have people I love in my life who are living an absolutely hard and abusive reality that still walk in sacred doors every week. I also have those who believe that my husband and I must not be Christians because we aren’t serving in church right now. We’re torn between pleasing those who believe we must attend a certain type of place and wanting to find a place that just isn’t so angry. I’m so tired of walking into a new place. Trust me. 

Yet my biggest fear is, “am I getting it all wrong for my kids?” Will I have ruined them by not knowing exactly how to proceed in showing my kids what faith looks like? Part of me knows that this argument makes no sense. It’s not like I was raised in the church. Sundays were often angry at home. My husband was raised with Sundays not being an option, yet he’s the one that has the hardest time in our house. We teach God. We read our Bibles and we pray as a family. We learn the lessons and we teach truth as best we can.

But is it enough? 

I just need Him to show me what to do. 

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